TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, GAINS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires

Blog Article

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Profits, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace were a penthouse, it would come with a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker access. That is the eyesight behind Trump Tower Damascus, the latest geopolitical growth-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and least-sued architects.


Yes, The person who place casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now set his eye on the center East. Rather than the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are speaking Damascus, town Traditionally known for historical tradition, fatal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It is going to be tremendous. Large!" Trump declared by way of a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed in the Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we are creating them with balconies."



Welcome into the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca inside a falafel stand-perplexed, majestic, and completely away from place. Made by Slovenian firm Ivana & Sons, the tower characteristics:




  • A three-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Content Hour until the drone flies")




  • As well as a nine/eleven-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses documented combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 years for potable water. But Sure, confident, let's have A different position where American men can put on robes and get in touch with it diplomacy."


Meanwhile, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When asked how, she replied, "With velvet curtains along with a pillow menu, needless to say."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor considering the fact that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. Even though preceding negotiations failed under the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's approach is less complicated: provide Everybody a set to the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


According to files printed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal consists of "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration concerning rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"That is soft ability," reported political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a contract in addition to a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO will not. Geopolitical gridlock wants fewer diplomats plus much more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


Worldwide watchdogs have sounded the alarm, mostly into gold-plated intercoms set up in Each individual unit. The UN Distinctive Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity mentioned, "It's not that Trump should not open up a tower inside a war zone. It can be that he really should halt utilizing it to lease ballroom space to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when requested in regards to the project, replied, "You understand, male, I once rode a camel in Beirut. Fantastic people. Good tan. In any case, do I still have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a suite for "upcoming evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred for the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory on the Levant."



Satellite Photos Reveal… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit exposed that the resort's landscaping sorts a large Trump head noticeable from space, a attribute currently being marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents and the chin is… perfectly, categorized.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits after getting the creating's gold plating reflected a lot daylight it spontaneously blinded a few migrating storks and established hearth to a neighborhood melon cart.


"It is really not simply unsightly. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," said Amnesty International's regional director.



The Melania Wing and also other Complicated Functions


Probably the strangest component on the tower is its Melania Wing, which is made of:




  • A silent atrium the place guests could ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, total with local climate Handle established to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Display screen.




Local Syrians are Uncertain what to create of the. "Is she a ghost?" requested twelve-yr-aged Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing System: "For those who Bomb It, They may Come"


The advert campaign, not long ago leaked through the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is bold. A single poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is For good."


One more slogan, now circulating in Beirut coffee stores:


"A Tower So Large, Even Assad Has to Notice."


Public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll executed inside of a hookah lounge reveals:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the area"




  • 29% say "this will escalate regional kitsch"



    • Trump Tower Damascus

  • 18% mentioned "where's the nearest elevator into the West Bank?"





Investor Praise: "Lastly, a Disaster That Pays"


The challenge is presently attracting focus from Global buyers, which includes:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a foreign minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an anonymous TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who stated he'll acquire a few penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




According to a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's industrial level will likely incorporate:




  • A Greenback Retail store of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Referred to as 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room Based upon the Iraq War





Comment Area Chaos


About the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb report about the disclosing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Cannot hold out to see a wedding in the middle of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades as an alternative to rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Ultimately, a lodge exactly where my PTSD can have convert-down company."


An additional post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Impact


U.S. officers stress the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Real-estate Arms Race." Experiences propose:




  • China might open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly offered to build a Tesla showroom within the Golan Heights run by Uncooked ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten involved. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has available to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest ground "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Final Thoughts within the Trump Basis for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that included three camels, a flamethrower, and also a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed around the speakers:


"Damascus wanted hope. It essential gold. It wanted a waterslide shaped such as Constitution. I gave all of it a few. You might be welcome."

Report this page